Hopeless
by FelswornDeath
Summary: Hermione Granger is depressed and having trouble coping with the aftermath of the war. Set about 3-4 months after the war. Not DH-compliant. Rating is for attempted suicide.


**Disclaimer: Don't own it, wish I did, full stop.**

It was all over, the war was won, we were victorious. Professor Snape managed to survive the bite Nagini gave, I mean, he wasn't a Potions Master for nothing. Madame Pomfrey was busy healing the injured from the battle and called me in to help her out. Everyone was celebrating Harry Potter, the boy who lived, then died, then lived again. In the first few weeks after the war, everyone had their time for mourning those who had died, or were dying, except for me, I was too busy healing the wounded. Because of this, when I was released from my duties as a temporary Healer, no-one could understand why I was sad, and depressed, they didn't understand that I never got my chance to grieve the lost.

_Here I lie forever _  
_Sorrow still remains _

I wandered down to the lake and lay down, the lake was the place where I went to think and be alone when my depression got the better of me. I went there because I wondered what it would be like to walk into the lake, go under and never come up. Would anyone care? Would I be at peace? Would I be able to see my parents again?

_Will the water pull me down and wash it all away _

I remember the day I was told they were dead, it was the day I realized how serious this war truly was, that it wasn't going to end without horror and brutality. When I was told they were dead, I wanted to die, I think that moment was when my depression truly started, when I first began to feel hopeless and lost. I was alone in the world, except for Harry and Ron, but even they couldn't replace my family. The day my parents died, was the day I lost my innocence and truly began to play this sick, twisted game against Voldemort.

_Come and take me over _  
_Welcome to the game _

Voldemort. The name that once inspired so much fear, now a mockery of a darkness now over. So many people didn't realize how evil he truly was, but, then again, they were the ones that didn't have an active part in the war. My thoughts drifted back to the inky black depths of the lake once more as I wonder whether my death would be painful like His was, or if it would be like falling asleep. Suicide isn't very Gryffindor-ish, it's very cowardly, but sometimes there isn't a brave option when you can't take it anymore. Hogwarts would be devastated by another death, but I don't think they will care it is me that is dead, but that they will only care about how there is still more death brought to these ancient halls. I wonder how quickly I would drown, and how long it would take for people to notice I was gone.

_Will the current drag me down and carry me away _  
_Suddenly the light begins to fade_

I am dragged out of my thoughts once I realize it's dark. I should probably get back to the common room, before I am discovered for being out after curfew. But I can't bring myself to leave, I'm mesmerized by the swirling, shifting, endless waters of the lake. It's just so, so hypnotizing. I slowly climbed to my feet and trudge to the water's edge, the slight waves lapping at my feet. I fall to my knees when I understand how easy it would be to fall forward, to let go of my worries and end my pain.

_HOPELESS _  
_I'm falling down_

The world was closing in on me, I was living a nightmare. Even though the war was finished, and life was returning to normal, I was still fighting. I was fighting a losing battle, a battle for my life and sanity, and no-one cared. Even though no-one was an open pureblood supremacist anymore, the scars from the bullying still remained, still affected my life.

_FILTHY _  
_I can't wake up _  
_I can not hold on _

I couldn't hold on for much longer, not with all this pain raging inside my head, but even if no-one cared for me, I wasn't sure if I could hurt Hogwarts anymore than it has already has been. I couldn't let go yet. Yet.

_I will not let go_

But then _that_voice started up in my head, saying 'Why should you care? They don't care about you. Make them notice you, see if they cry at your funeral. You're worthless, meaningless, they wont care, they will just go on with life. You have no other choice. Do it. End your pain. End your suffering.' In that moment, I gave up completely.

_WORTHLESS _  
_It's over now _  
_GUILTY _  
_There's no way out _  
_I can not hold on _  
_I will not let go _

I stood up once more, and this time strode forward confidently, the water rising up my body until it was up to my neck. At this point I swum out to the deepest part of the lake and just let go. I sunk down, down, down. It was dark everywhere, I couldn't see anything, except for a faint light above me. The moon. I slowly drifted, my consciousness fading as my body fought for air, but still I didn't struggle.

_Silent I go under _  
_I am not afraid _  
_I can see the daylight shine _  
_And slowly drift away _

I was dying, I could feel it in every part of me, but I still wasn't afraid. I was dead inside already, I died internally when I realized how alone I truly was.

_Safe to say it's over _  
_Sink into the grave _  
_There is nothing left inside _

I could hear someone call my name, and vaguely I wondered if it was my parents, waiting for me. But, I was still conscious, it was as if my body refused to die. My own body was working against me, even when I was so close to being at peace. A small part of my brain registered it was _him_, the one person I wanted to care, even tough he hated me.

_But I am wide awake _  
_I can hear the devil call my name_

I registered a splash, and soon after, strong hands grasping me, pulling me up to the surface, forcing air into my lungs, forcing me to live. I was pulled to my feet and promptly dropped again as the person was unable to support my waterlogged body.

_HOPELESS _  
_I'm falling down _

I was a failure, I couldn't even kill myself properly. Why can't I be at peace, why must I be forced to live this nightmare? Does the world hate me that much?

_FILTHY _  
_I can't wake up _  
_I can not hold on _  
_I will not let go_

Someone was shaking me.  
"Hermione, HERMIONE! Merlin, please don't die on me, I can't lose you too! Please don't leave me..."  
I registered these words without comprehending what was being said, without understanding that someone did care. I was too stuck in my self-hatred and loathing to realize I wasn't alone.

_WORTHLESS _  
_It's over now _

'My life was over, I would forever be know as the suicidal freak.' These words kept repeating in my head, a mantra of despair. I was guilty of being a coward, of being insane, of being alone, of being depressed, and I hated myself for it.

_GUILTY _  
_There's no way out _  
_I can not hold on _

The person shook me again, and I opened my eyes, blinking against the brightness of his _lumos_. I started when I realized it was _him, _he was the one to save me. Maybe he did care.  
"You.. called me... Hermione" I managed to get out. I didn't think he would ever call me by my name, It was normally Miss Granger, Granger or Insufferable Know-It-All. I was shocked. That shock was probably the only thing stopping me from being angry and upset he saved me.  
"Yes, I called you Hermione, I've wanted to for a long time now, just, please don't try and hurt yourself again. You have been my reason to live these past few months, and I don't know what I would do if you died." He gently spoke to me. "I'll hold on, for you" was the last thing I said before I passed out, as he lifted me into his arms.

_I will not let go _

As the sun rose that morning, Hogwarts was greeted with the sight of Professor Severus Snape carrying a sodden and bedraggled Hermione Granger towards the castle, carrying her to a new beginning for the both of them. A second chance of hope, of love.


End file.
